10 Ways to Make Everyone on Your Flight Hate You

Flying is a pretty high-stress situation: People are worried about missing their connection, taking time off work, being 30,000 feet in the air, all while sharing an increasingly small amount of legroom. But instead of trying to make the best of things while you’re sharing a flying metal tube with a group of total strangers, why not just embrace the inevitable and be as rude as possible? Here are 10 ways to make sure you’re the very first person off of the plane.

By Lilit Marcus

October 16, 2014

Be rude to the flight attendant/overuse the call button.
That flight attendant sure has a nice smile. Wait until you see what her smile looks like after you’ve buzzed her to ask for replacement headphones, the vegan meal you didn’t request ahead of time, a personal escort to the bathroom, five pillows, and a bedtime story.
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Eat really stinky food.
Even if they’re serving meals on the plane, why risk eating something that doesn’t smell like it was cooked inside a gym sock and then left outside in the heat? Better pack your own snacks just to be safe. One word: tuna.

Don’t supervise your children.
Your daughter has an ear infection that leaves her in excruciating pain at 30,000 feet? Your son is deathly afraid of flying? The only proper way to handle this is to stick them next to strangers in coach while you knock back some cocktails in first class. Only commoners pay for babysitters.
Join the mile high club.
What’s more romantic: having extremely uncomfortable sex or choosing to do so at the exact second that every other person on the plane really, really needs to use the bathroom?

Practice poor hygiene.
Long flights are great times to catch up on your reading, watch that movie you’ve been dying to see, and to clip your toenails and scrub off the calluses on your heels.
Make “jokes” about terrorism and Ebola.
If you’re on a New York-to-L.A. flight but have suddenly decided that you feel like getting out in Omaha, a few loud comments about how you recently handled bodily fluids in West Africa are a great way to make sure the plane lands early. Bonus: You’ll also get to meet some very nice medical personnel! Too bad for those other suckers who have to wait in a cab line since they don’t have a personal police escort.

Snore.
Breathe Rite strips will make you look like a dork. Doing your best impression of a buzz saw while your mouth hangs open is a totally good look, though.
Ask everyone to pray with you.
Turbulence can put the fear of G-d into people. But that fear isn’t as great as the one you feel when a stranger starts asking you personal questions about your spiritual beliefs.

Don’t share the aisle.
The aisle is a great place for everyone to stretch their legs and walk to and from the bathroom. But it’s an even better place for you to hold a one-person party! Don’t forget to look offended when the flight attendants ask you to move out of the way so that they can start the meal service.

Talk smack about the destination you just left.
The plane just left London, so you can assume some of the passengers are Londoners themselves. Doubtlessly, they’ll appreciate your Seinfeld-style riffs on how weird it is that they drive on the wrong side of the road. And the food! What is up with that?

Be rude to the flight attendant/overuse the call button.

Eat really stinky food.

Don’t supervise your children.

Join the mile high club.

Practice poor hygiene.

Make “jokes” about terrorism and Ebola.

Snore.

Ask everyone to pray with you.

Don’t share the aisle.

Talk smack about the destination you just left.